[Editor’s Note: This is one of our featured April Fools articles.]
Illinois Tech’s Supreme Governing Authority (SGA) held its annual joint session on Tuesday, April 1, 2025, on the 20th floor of the Michael Paul Galvin Tower. The joint session was chaired by War Chief Derrick Hill after the impeachment of the previous President Rezwan Rifat over fraud charges. The joint session started with announcements and presentation by War Chief Hill, before moving onto a committee meeting of the new Department-Internal for Campus Efficiency (DICE).
The joint session marked the first meeting of the Supreme Governing Authority after the impeachment of President Rifat, and War Chief Hill spent no time immediately addressing this issue. In it, War Chief Hill recognized the previous administration, stating that he and President Rifat had been given an “unprecedented mandate” by the students of Illinois Tech, before going on to say he plans to finish the plans that President Rifat had started, “no matter how long it took.”
Immediately following this tribute was the announcement of a slate of new domestic and foreign policy changes within Illinois Tech. Effective immediately via executive order, War Chief Hill signed the renaming of the Michael Paul Galvin Tower to the Katherin Stetz Tower, in honor of the Dean of Students Katherine Stetz, who War Chief Hill says “has helped us achieve big things, trust me, she’s the best there is at helping us do big things.”
Looking outwards, War Chief Hill brought the attention of the Supreme Governing Authority to the borders. He proclaimed that there was a crisis at both the 31st and 35th street borders, with “bigly” amounts of illegal Artificial Intelligence (AI) crossing the border. War Chief Hill is expected to direct more funding to Public Safety, both to patrol the borders and in raids to capture any illegal AI’s in the university, though critics claim this might be used to detain potential dissenters of Hill’s regime, including the press.
As part of War Chief Hill’s Make Illinois Tech Great Again (MITGA) agenda, War Chief Hill announced a 25 percent tariff on all journals and textbooks published by the University of Chicago. The administration hopes this will move the research industry back to the Illinois Tech campus, though many researchers project this will only pass on more costs on tuition to the students. This comes after unprecedented rises on the cost of living for many students, and some experts warn this may lead to a possible recession and decreased output of research, potentially forcing students to take fewer classes and consider moving to McCormick Student Village (MSV).
War Chief Hill then turned his eyes to the downtown Loyola Campus. Less than three miles away from the Chicago-Kent campus, many supporters of Hill’s administration have claimed that the downtown Loyola Campus has been more culturally tied to Illinois Tech then the Loyola Campus more than seven miles North. War Chief Hill has expressed interest in purchasing the campus, or acquiring the campus by “whatever means necessary.” Supporters in attendance erupted in applause, before the joint session was dismissed into the committee meeting of DICE.
DICE, or the Department-Internal for Campus Efficiency, has announced preliminary results, claiming that hundreds of thousands of tuition dollars are being wasted by campus inefficiency. After controversially accessing confidential student records, DICE sent emails to over a hundred student employees, letting them know that if they did not submit five things they had done that week, they were to be fired by the next Saturday. DICE also backed the budget plan endorsed by War Chief Hill, which calls for tuition refunds for the SGA executive board while slashing student health and meal plans. Supporters claim this will result in trickle-down education, benefitting the greater student population more than the health and meal plans would.
Shortly after the committee dismissal, War Chief Hill was spotted golfing alongside the lake front trail, leading to rampant criticism by many detractors. During this time, an unnamed TechNews reporter was added to a group chat including many associate vice presidents and administration members, in which information was leaked regarding a potential invasion of Wacker Drive and the Chicago River, known for its strategic geopolitical position in downtown Chicago. The reporter was removed soon after they were added, but were able to capture many messages, including one which read as three emojis: the hawk emoji, an explosion emoji, and a muscle flexing emoji.
War Chief Hill’s administration has notably been shy to TechNews reporters, refusing many requests for comments, so this joint session of the Supreme Governing Authority provides a unique look into the administration’s goals. The recent purging of the SGA website has also made it difficult to follow the many executive orders signed so far, but TechNews will not rest in continuing to provide coverage for the foreseeable future. Stay tuned for next week’s issues, where we discuss the constitutional ramifications of President Rifat’s impeachment, as well as a follow up on the opposition’s color-coordinated protest.