[Editor’s Note: This is one of our featured April Fools articles.]
In recent years, it has become obvious that there is an ongoing attack on traditional gender roles. Androgynous people and cross-dressers have infiltrated everywhere! These people, who threaten the completely healthy, sustainable, and rigid gender binary, have the audacity to exist in public. It’s frankly shameful that we as a society have become so weak that we allow these people to feel comfortable being themselves.
In these perilous times, I come with tips for real sigma males on how to be exactly what society tells you.
Real Sigma Male Behavior
Sigma males are strong, confident, and independent (except for house chores, of course). You need to be able to take care of yourself and your family, providing for them and protecting them from other sigmas or even pathetic betas that have the audacity to even have a discussion with your wife. And while you may be competent and great at everything and must take care of your family, housework is for the women! Do not let your female try and shame you for leaving your dirty laundry out or for not doing dishes or for forgetting to pick the kids up from school.
When you get home from work and dinner is not ready, don’t forget to lay down the law and remind her who’s in charge. And when she tells you she didn’t have time to cook because she had to pick up the kids. After all, you forgot, don’t forget to lord over her the fact that you pay the bills and do all the work around here. Just because she maintains your home and watches your children doesn’t mean she does anything of value!
If your wife takes the kids one day and leaves you, it’s your duty as a sigma male to remain composed. You are better than her. She needs you, not the other way around. Leave aggressive messages on her phone and talk trash about her to your friends as you sit at your table with week-old leftovers out of the box since all your dishes are dirty. And just use your clothes as a napkin. They’re dirty anyway. Why would you, as a sigma male, know how to do laundry?
After the divorce papers land on your doorstep, wipe your tears, you pathetic maggot! She’s just a woman! She needs you! You don’t need her! You’ve had enough. You’re drunk as you drive to her friend’s house, but that’s fine. Sigma males can drive even when they’ve had seven beers. When you stand outside the door, remember to shout at the top of your lungs how angry you are, how much she’s betrayed you, and how the house has been unclean since she left.
When the police come and haul you off to jail, try and build rapport with them. Police are sigmas through and through*. You feel the tears coming again as they toss you in jail, the apologetic look on their faces does nothing to make you feel better.
You don’t get custody of the kids in the divorce, leaving you alone in your empty house. But that’s fine. You’re a Sigma male! You can attract a new mate and have new offspring fast. For some reason, women just keep turning you down, though. All these women have been infected with propaganda and are rejecting the natural order of things.
So, you sit at home in your dirty clothes, with your takeout, house unclean, watching Andrew Tate on the TV.
You learn nothing from this.