It’s Valentine’s week, which means your Instagram feed is probably filled with couples that make you feel things. But whether you’re in a relationship, crushing hard, or happily solo, there’s some wild chemistry happening in your brain that’s worth understanding, especially because that intense feeling you’re calling “love” might actually be something else entirely. Am I writing this because I’m single and salty? No. Not at all. I’m simply writing this because it’s fun knowing the proof behind what you’re feeling or going through. And I know you don’t believe me, and that’s fine.
Welcome to limerence: Your brain’s favorite drug
Ever found yourself checking your phone every thirty seconds hoping for a text? Analyzing their Instagram story views like you’re defending a thesis? Feeling physically ill when they don’t respond for three hours? Congratulations, you’re not in love, you’re in limerence.
Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, limerence is that obsessive, all-consuming infatuation that feels like love but operates on entirely different brain chemistry. When you’re in this state, your brain is flooded with dopamine and norepinephrine, the same neurochemicals that surge when someone uses cocaine. This isn’t a metaphor; brain scans of people in early-stage romantic obsession literally light up the same regions as brain scans of people using drugs.
Dopamine is your brain’s reward chemical, and during limerence, every text, every smile, every accidental brush of hands in the library triggers a hit. Your brain becomes a slot machine, and they’re the jackpot. This is why you can’t stop thinking about them, why you’ll walk twenty minutes out of your way hoping to “accidentally” run into them, why you’re rearranging your entire schedule around their lunch break.
Norepinephrine is the chemical behind your racing heart, sweaty palms, and that feeling like you’ve had four espressos when you see them across the hall. It’s your fight-or-flight system misfiring in the best possible way. Together with dopamine, it creates that electric, manic, can’t-eat-can’t-sleep sensation that poets have been writing about for centuries. Here’s the kicker: Limerence also tanks your serotonin levels to nearly the same degree as people with OCD. This is why you can’t stop obsessing, why you’re analyzing every word of that text thread at 2 AM, why your brain won’t shut up about them. You’re literally experiencing a temporary neurochemical imbalance that makes rational thought nearly impossible.
Limerence typically lasts anywhere from a few months to about two years. Then something happens: either the relationship ends (often dramatically), or it transforms into something calmer. This is where actual love might begin.
Long-term attachment operates on a completely different neurochemical cocktail, dominated by oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone,” is released during physical touch and even just comfortable proximity to someone you trust. It’s the same chemical that bonds parents to newborns. Vasopressin works alongside it to create feelings of devotion and long-term attachment.
This shift feels less exciting than limerence, which is why some people mistake it for “falling out of love.” The butterflies calm down. You can actually concentrate on your midterm when they’re in the same room. You don’t feel like you’re going to die if they don’t text back immediately. But here’s what you gain: you feel safe. Calm. Like you can actually be yourself instead of performing some idealized version of yourself. You can have a fight or two without thinking the relationship is over. You can be bored together, and it’s still good.
Your brain’s reward system is still active, seeing them still feels good, but it’s sustainable now. You’re not burning through dopamine like rocket fuel anymore. The brain scans of long-term couples show activation in regions associated with maternal attachment and deep friendship, alongside romantic feelings. It’s less fireworks, more steady warmth.
So Which one is “real” love?
Here’s where it gets complicated: both are real, just different. Limerence is intoxicating and can kickstart a relationship, but it’s not sustainable. You can’t build a life with someone while your brain chemistry is closely mimicking a drug addiction. Long-term love is less dramatic but actually functional; you can, you know, hold down a job and remember to eat meals.
The danger is mistaking the fading of limerence for the death of love. When the obsessive intensity wears off, some people panic and think they’re with the wrong person, then go chase that dopamine high with someone new. This is how people end up in a cycle of intense short-term relationships, always bailing when things get comfortable. The other danger is staying in a relationship purely out of oxytocin-driven attachment, even when it’s not healthy. Just because you’re bonded to someone doesn’t mean you should stay with them. Attachment can form in toxic relationships too.
This Valentine’s week, whether you’re experiencing the wild dopamine rush of a new crush, the steady comfort of a long-term relationship, or the blissful stability of being single, remember: your brain is a chemistry lab, and feelings that seem eternal are often just temporary neurochemical states.
That doesn’t make them less meaningful. The dopamine rush of limerence has inspired some of humanity’s greatest art, music, and poetry. The oxytocin bond of long-term love has built families and partnerships that last for decades. Both matter. Both are real. They’re just operating on different formulae. And if you’re currently in the limerence phase, enjoy the ride, but maybe don’t make any major life decisions until your serotonin levels normalize. Your future self will thank you.
But then again, what do I know? It’s not like I’m experiencing either this year (I’m definitely not bitter). All this is just science.
Happy Valentine’s Week from your friendly neighborhood neurochemicals.