[Editor’s Note: This is one of our featured April Fools articles.]
A new study by the National Association of Professional Excuses (NAPE) has confirmed that avoidance is the next big thing! It burns more calories than the treadmill or by lifting weights. This groundbreaking research has found that individuals that run the other way every time a confrontation presents itself, whether it involves taking responsibility or being part of awkward conversations are known to burn 30 percent more calories than a person who faces their fears!
Dr. Bogus, a renowned faculty member and researcher of the NAPE, says that emotional avoidance is the best cardio! He goes on to explain that avoiding and ignoring our responsibilities creates a state of panic which keeps our heart rate elevated for hours. Sounds fantastic, right?
The research details into a lot of specifics. Apparently, escaping serious problems and situations lets you stay physically active and engage your core strength. Similarly, avoiding your work emails (with a side of cold stares from your manager) lets you build strong reflexes. It is a full-body workout because the more you suppress your emotions and dodge situations, the problems create a lot of pressure internally which ultimately burst, and the energy generated is what burns all those calories.
The center of tactical avoidance, another well-known institute, suggests that those who are breaking records with the speed at which they avoid situations, are healthier than ever! A real-life scenario saw a woman in her late 20s with emotional and attachment issues run at very high speeds to flee commitment and responsibilities. She says, “I ran from awkward conversations and ended up with a strong core and biceps! I’ve never felt healthier.” Another interesting example was of a man in his 30s who says he started avoiding family gatherings altogether, which resulted in high endurance. He states “To dodge my crazy relatives and their nosy questions, I came up with a carefully crafted set of almost believable lies, which increased my endurance drastically. It felt like a high-intensity training workout without doing much. It’s great and I am working on refining my technique to improve my stamina!”
However, are there any drawbacks to this? Experts from The Institute of Confrontation and Escapism (ICE) suggest that running away from difficult conversations and avoiding them can lead to loneliness and social anxiety. Don’t worry, though, because there are remedies! The experts say that increasing your speed of running away from problems will be 100 percent guaranteed help if you ever start to feel like your problems are catching up with you!
So, I think it’s safe to say we don’t need a gym membership now or in the future. All we must do is commit to not confronting anything ever and avoiding things like breathing. Remember, there is no such thing as burnout if you avoid everything. Also, Happy April Fool’s Day!