I’m not sure what I’m expecting to happen with this letter. When I do something, there’s always a reason, an ulterior motive. It’s not necessarily evil or bad or selfish, but there’s always something that I’m expecting when I’m doing something. Is that a problem? This is one of the rare moments where I have none. I’m writing this just because.
Are you fine? Have you achieved everything you wanted to? I’m genuinely asking you right now, because there’s honestly no one else I’m doing all this for. What am I doing, one might wonder. Every tough decision, every this or that, every single moment I land on something, there’s a reason why. And that reason is you. I think no one will catch me making a decision based on how I feel. No matter how heart wrenching it can be to make something happen, if I know, logically, that it would be the better decision, I’m going with that. And all of that is for you. So, please don’t disappoint me.
It feels kind of weird, being in this space, because you know me, but I don’t know you. I wonder if you’ll read this a few years down the line. If you do, I hope you laugh and think of how silly I am being. I hope you think that I was simply overanalyzing things, and that it was nothing, and that you’re doing great, and that all of this is worth it in some way or another. If it’s not obvious already, I have a habit of being very future minded. That eventually leads me not to be too present in the moment. While that sounds really bad, I’m kind of happy. That means I don’t sit with my accomplishments too much, and now, that sounds really really bad, but I promise it isn’t. Because that means I also don’t sit with my failures too long. What happened has happened, whether it’s positive or negative.
To be frank, I don’t know what to do with this detachment. And not knowing an answer to a problem really bothers me. I know you know that. I hope you have an answer, now that you’re older. Sometimes it’s scary how okay I really am without anyone around me. I swear I’m not antisocial or anything, I have a lot of friends and I care deeply about them, I would go to the ends of the world for them. But it seems like I always have a wall, no matter how close I am to another person. I don’t even want to change that. Is that bad? It probably is. I don’t know. I hope you have an answer for that as well. Maybe because of this detachment that I somehow have built in me, that I don’t understand the concept of people-pleasing. I wonder what your reaction would be if you’re reading this. Would you pity me or envy me?
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, I hope you don’t turn out to be the person I resent. I hope you’re everything I’m aspiring to be and more. I hope you read this and thank me silently for pushing through, and I hope you’re doing things that would make the future you proud. Because all I’m doing really is creating a solid ground for you to stand on. Don’t you dare waste the foundation I broke my back to build.